Are you sure people didn't call you an MRA before just because it's in the sidebar before "This Sidebar / Is Nothing But Lies"?


yup. the sidebar came after.

I get called that too, and I have no idea why.


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No offense, but have you considered replacing your parents with wire frames with some velvety fabric on them? Because that might be healthier. And wire mother will let you stay up later.

I continue to be sort of amazed at how cool my parents were when I was growing up, and to this day my mom is pretty awesome about my occasional problems with things like depression. And I sort of take that for granted sometimes, because it’s just how things have always been, but. Wow.

I think I would understand why the term "gender swap" is offensive, because it seems to imply that there's only a few options. But I like "genderbent" because it's bending / changing it but it doesn't imply that there's a one to one way to do it? "spectrum slide" could be cool too, I just like genderbent because I heard it first. (but I'm cis so what do I know :P)

"Swap" could be a thing done between two characters whose genders weren’t identical, say. I dunno; the people who’ve said it’s "offensive" have thus far not been people whose sense of boundaries has aligned with mine well.

So, I'm autistic and I mostly socialize online. I can make small talk face-to-face and even friends, but I just vastly prefer online communication. I've always seen that as a flaw... but maybe that's actually pretty normal, as far as these things go?

I’ve been living with Jesse for ~20 years, and we still spend a fair amount of time talking in IM even when we’re in voice-over-nitrogen range of each other, because text is easier to handle.

That last one was supposed to be anon, in case I forgot to check the box.

Just for the record, I left this one for last and it was quite a few asks back, and was not after any of the ones that have come through with names, so, I think you checked the box.

One of the trans guys I know doesn't really identify as feminist - but that's a matter of what he considers important as an identifier and what he's really vocal about rather than what he considers good principles.

Yeah. I guess I should clarify, I don’t necessarily mean that all the trans guys I know specifically use the word; just that they’re consistently aware that in general women face significantly worse problems in our culture and this needs to change for everyone to be happy.

Since a lot of them didn’t even figure out why they felt weird sometimes until they were 30+, a lot of them have spent a decade or more out there in the workforce, or been pregnant and had to deal with the thing where everyone in the world suddenly has a right to touch you and ask highly personal questions because BABIES ARE FOR EVERYONE and they are pretty aware that this is some serious not-okay.





"why be straight and cis when u can be queer and tr-"

hi lets not treat lgbtq+ identities like fashion trends

uh, i feel like those types of posts are more suggesting people explore their identities rather than just sticking to a socially enforced norm? dont make transness this Exclusive Club… this makes people scared to explore their identities. like, come on. let people test other orientations out. let them try things on. if they dont like it they can go back to being straight and cis but dont discourage experimentation 

Ive gone more in depth with this before but; I also feel like op’s thinking is enforcing the idea that sexual identity, gender identity, sexual orientation, etc dont exist on a spectrum, which they do. Some people (Im using myself as an example) learned to convince themselves that their queerness was invalid, that they were cis because “what other way is there to even be?”. If I hadnt been around my queer and trans friends and if I had felt like, since I dont feel like “I was born in the wrong body” (hate that idea btw) I must not be trans even though I dont feel 100% cis now that I know what cis and trans are. I always thought that since I was attracted to men as well as women that my queerness was invalid because the idea that..your Gay Thoughts Are All You Think About If Youre Really Gay makes bi/pan people feel REALLY confused. If we dont encourage everyone to explore these facets of themselves how can we ever hope to normalize transness and queerness?

yeah basically not everyone just “knows”” theyre not cishet from birth like thats a requirement or something. ive known several people — myself included — who had to experiment with their gender/sexual orientations before they really came to understand themselves (i went through at least three different gender/sexual /romantic identity combinations before i really knew what i liked and was comfortable with being called). not everyone is hit in the face w the fact that theyre not cishet out of nowhere, sometimes you have to explore yourself a lot before it happens

See, these are all good thoughts, and I think they’re possibly useful, except they’re pretty much unrelated to the point being made by the original post, as I understood it. See, “why be straight and cis when you can be queer and trans?” is a question which implies that you’re the one deciding, and that it’s a fashion statement or a way to fit in. And that’s not a healthy basis for seriously thinking about or exploring your identity.

Now, a post saying “why assume you are straight and cis when you might be queer and trans?”, that would be an interesting question that I think some people would benefit a lot from considering. But it’s worth remembering that, for most people, what they are isn’t a thing they get to pick, even though how they relate to it or think about it is.

Someone submitted:

I know you commented on that ‘why be cishet when you can be cool and not cishet’ post before so what do you make of this? [](

Interesting thoughts. I think the ideas aren’t necessarily bad, but it’s a pretty implausible reading of the original post.

Partial-message anon writes some stuff, not all of which I have:

(cont) They aren’t as common now but still show up every now and then. I’ve had a girlfriend for about two years now, but sometimes I still have dreams where I’m in a relationship with a random brain-character. It’s stupid, but I always feel really guilty even though it takes a backseat to the main plot (last night we were fighting vampires) and they’re never a real person I’ve met. I’m usually not even ME in dreams. Also I’m bi, dating a woman, and my dream SOs are overwhelmingly male. It makes me feel like I’m not really in love with my girlfriend (bullshit I know; she’s the best thing that ever happened to me) and/or I’m not really bi (also bullshit as I have done science! on the matter). I know it’s stupid. And I know that they’re just dreams and it doesn’t mean any more than the fact we were fighting vampires. But I still feel guilty/conflicted every time I have one. :/ You have interesting thoughts on How People Work and also give excellent advice.

Since I am easily confused, I’m just going to assume that the first part was all about your persistent problem with lobsters showing up at your house with religious tracts, and it wasn’t related to the rest of the message.

It doesn’t sound weird to me, I guess? I mean, dream relationships are usually just plot filler or something, or occasionally commentary. Your brain may have noticed that it’s not getting as much time touching other people’s penises as it would ideally like, and it’s sort of hinting at this, but… Well, I mean, that happens. I occasionally have romantic or sexy dreams about people I used to be involved with, although not very often. But it’s sort of normal, I think.

I guess the obvious question is: Have you talked about this with your girlfriend? Because “feeling guilty” might be a result of feeling like you’re hiding something you shouldn’t be, rather than because you feel like you’re doing something you shouldn’t be.

As an autistic person in her early 20s, I'm surprised that I actually didn't realize how much of an autistic community there was until I started looking at your, luka, and jesse's stuff. I already knew autism had nothing to do with IQ, but I'd been sucked into the 'low functioning and high functioning' mental trap, and hadn't looked into autism speaks enough to know it was so bad. I'm horrified I haven't been thinking critically! Thank you!

It sneaks up on all of us occasionally.

i have an ex who is a trans guy and (last i knew him) extremely antifeminist, but otoh his main exposure to feminists seemed to be the "men can't be feminist! men evil! trans men doubly evil for choosing to be men!" tumblr style of feminism, so i can't entirely blame him for that one.

Yeah. Sometimes when people are “antifeminist”, and I actually find out what they’re trying to do, it’s pretty much “feminism but I’m not okay with calling it that”. Sort of like the thing where I’ve encountered people who were vehemently opposed to Christianity, as a result of which they spent a lot of their time finding hungry and homeless people and feeding and sheltering them. Yeah, guys, you’re gonna be in for a shock if Matthew 25 is right, and Jesus comes back and says “dudes, that was the best, you are so cool”.

There’s a doctrine in some Christian churches of “secret Christians”, who are people who may not even be aware of the word “Christianity”, or who may be openly adversarial to the church organizations they encounter, but who are nonetheless clearly good examples of Christian ideals. It’s a secret from everybody! And I have met some people I would characterize as “secret feminists”.

And of course, sometimes they really just are anti-feminist, but I try to cut people some slack if they’ve had bad experiences and are reacting to them.

I just looked at that one poster's blog, the one that tried to say all trans men are MRA's and it's got a lot of really gross stuff on it towards trans men. There's at least one post on it where she basically says dysphoria is totally a cultural construct and equates transitioning with body mods :\

Yeah, I see stuff like that, and I get really confused, because I have met so many people who are trans and who just stare at things like that in complete confusion, and I really wonder what’s happening. And then some of these people are trans, and I just don’t get it. I sometimes wonder if some of these people really are experiencing something so totally unlike what most trans people are experiencing that it’s really a completely different thing, which happens to result in the same net effect (“want to transition”) but gets there through an entirely unrelated set of experiences or desires.

this might be a silly thing to mention but 'take me to church' by hozier, though intended to be about /religion/ being corrupt and focusing on the wrong things, for me, kinda expresses what it's like with sjws and stuff. like, 'i'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife.' yeah, just thought that might be an interesting observation or something.

It is! It turns out that basically all the human endeavors acquire that same quality — people start being more interested in the group identity and controlling it than anything to do with what the group was about. Thus nerd gatekeepers trying to keep “fake” geeks out of the comic book community, for instance, which is just stupid.

As you said in reply to my first question to you, I know you don't think fanfictional genderbending is offensive, but is the term "genderbend" itself offensive, and if so, can you put into words precisely why? I can sort of see the point people are getting at but can't articulate it well enough to discuss it. I've seen people propose "spectrumslide" as an alternative, but use that and most people won't know what one is talking about.

I don’t find it offensive, some people do. So far as I can tell, it’s just guilt-by-association, because they’ve seen things they thought were bad, which were called “genderbending”, and therefore the term is bad. And that’s not a good strategy.

haha i literally had a dream last night in which i sent you an ask. and i'm glad that was just a dream, 'cause i think the ask i sent in the dream was very dumb. and just wow, i send you asks so fucking /much/ that it has literally invaded my dreams! wow wow!

I would so love a way to respond to this with words which are different every time you read them.